WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The story of Sen. John Ensign's affair with a former staffer took a new twist Thursday with the revelation by Ensign that his parents gave the woman's family $96,000 as a gift.
A statement released on Ensign's behalf by his lawyer, Paul Coggins, said a check totaling $96,000 from both of Ensign's parents was given to Cindy Hampton, her husband, Doug, and two of their children in April 2008. It described the money as two separate gifts to each family member.
"Each gift was limited to $12,000," the statement said. "The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts."
Under U.S. tax laws, gifts of up to $12,000 are tax-exempt.
Hmmm -- so let me get this straight -- Ensign is a 51 year old United States Senator. He's a devout hard-line Christian. He gets in a little hot water so he does what any 51 year old, mature Christian Senator does - he calls up mummy and doddy to put a band-aid on his boo boo and make the ouchy go away. IMFAO!
Oh to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation! My fertile imagination thinks it may have gone something like this:
Sen. Ensign: Hey pops -- how's it goin? Some hot weather we're having here huh? Say pops - I'm callin ya cuz I need some help.
Pops Ensign: Oh yeah sonny? What'd you do now - get pinched for toilet papering your high school principal's yard again? I told you to forget about that detention session he put you in back in 1975. Ain't good to hold a grudge over silly stuff like that son.
Sen. Ensign: Uh no pops - nothin like that. You see - it's like this - (voice starts quivering) .... oh pops! I'm so sorry! I really, really am!! You know that cute little brunette Cindy Hampton that was on my staff - the one with the nice round ass and big hooters? I been banging the shit out of her for months! Bwaaaaaaaaah - - I'm so sorry daddy! So sorry.....Bwaaaaah!
Pops Ensign: Calm down boy!! So what's wrong with that. You're a goddamn Republican! You're expected to be a sexually repressed, two-faced hypocrite! As long as nobody knows about it - just promote her and transfer her out to a field office and it's a done deal. If she says anything, we'll smear the hell out of her and paint her as a whore and a family wrecking seductress. We Republicans do it all the time and get away with it - you know that!
Sen. Ensign: I know daddy, but it's a bit more complicated than that -- you see, she's married -- to another staffer of mine - Doug Hampton. And Doug went and sent a letter to Fox News -- to that hot little blonde Megyn Kelly, boy I'd like to romper in her room. He snitched on me daddy and told them all about the whole mess! And so I got mad and I fired both of 'em and now Dougy and his whore wife are threatening me with lawyers and stuff. Oh daddy!!! What'll I do?? (whimpering)
Pops Ensign: Goddamn it sonny -- if I told ya once I told ya a million times - If you're gonna get some side nookie, make sure she's nobody you know, unmarried, and always, always warn them beforehand that if they open their mouths, you'll use your power as United States Senator and your reputation in the community as a fine upstanding Christian businessman to destroy them! You didn't listen to me did ya boy? Damn kids these days.
Sen. Ensign: I'm sorry pops - I know I blew it. But this babe was something special - (sighs) this girl could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Pops Ensign: Well (chuckling) -- I gotta admit sonny - you're old man was always a sucker for a woman with those kinda special career skills too so I might as well forgive ya. So what do you want me to do about this?
Sen. Ensign: Well daddy (excited voice), I was thinkin' ya see -- since you're a multi-millionaire Las Vegas casino mogul and all, and since it was kinda mean of me to fire both Cindy and Doug suddenly at the same time, why don't we just give them and their two snotty kids a little "severance package" - if you know what I mean - wink, wink, nudge, nudge? (giggles)
Pops Ensign: Hehe - well Johnny, looks like I raised a good Republican boy after all. That's a pretty good idea. Lemme' see here now ... how about $96,000? That sounds like a nice round number. There's four of them right? So I can give each of 'em two separate "gifts" of $12,000 and the best part about it is it's a tax write-off!! Weeeeee doggy! We fix your little bimbo problem and make the taxpayers foot the bill to boot! That my son is what I call a smart, robust, conservative business deal!
Sen. Ensign: Oh daddy (sniffling) I love you so much! You're the greatest daddy a son could ever hope for! Oh, but daddy - please don't tell mommy about this - she'll get pretty sore and might not bake me my favorite chili-bean hot dish next time I'm over to visit. You know how much I love mommy's chili-bean hot dish.
Pops Ensign: Don't worry Johnny boy - this one is just between us men. You just let your old pop take care of this little kerfluffle and you yourself get ur butt back there to Washington and keep on pushing through our conservative, Christian, corporate friendly legislative agenda. Because you know Johnny -- what you're doing is God's work son.
And these are the kind of people George W. Bush and Dick Cheney said in 2000 were going to "restore honor and dignity" to the capitol.
----k
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