Ran across this as I was meandering through the comments section on one of the political blogs this morning. Brilliant. Print it out and next time you run across some Neanderthal Republican mouthing off about the socialist evils of a public option in health care, hand this to him and demand he make the appropriate pledge.
November 1, 2009...9:33 am
A HEALTH CARE PLEDGE FOR CONSERVATIVES
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by Larry S. Rolirad
As a Conservative who DOES NOT have Health Insurance:
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have health care insurance, do hereby refuse all health care paid for by the government. I pledge if I become sick, or a member of my family becomes sick, that I will refuse to be treated by any doctor, hospital or emergency personnel if the cost for these services will in any way be subsidized by a state or federal government.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, do hereby pledge to wait one year from the time of my first symptoms until I go to the emergency room of a government funded county hospital because I believe the 45,000 people who die every year because of access to health care deserve to die, because they are really deadbeats who could afford health insurance if they wanted it.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, do hereby pledge to never accept any medical technologies, innovations, treatments or medications that were paid for, subsidized or developed using government funds because I believe them to be ’socialistic’ and therefor evil. I know capitalistic ‘for profit’ companies will always act in the best interests of human beings, and never attempt to profit off of a person who is sick or dying.
I, ___________, as a conservative who DOES NOT have insurance, do hereby pledge that if I am too sick to go to the hospital I will not call a government sponsored ‘911′ program, because I believe such emergency services to be ’socialistic’ and therefore ‘evil. I furthermore pledge to just sit in my house and die along with the other 45,000 people who die each year due to lack of access to health care if I cannot afford life-saving medical treatment.
As a Conservative who DOES HAVE have Health Insurance:
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to never disagree if my insurance company refuses to pay a valid claim, for I know they would never do anything to hurt another human being for money.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to remain subservient to my insurance company and will never disagree if they refuse to pay for a valid claim by stating that it is related to a ‘pre-existing condition’, even if the condition has nothing to do with my current illness.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to always agree with my insurance company even if they use some obscure loophole intentionally inserted into my policy to deceive me and to prevent me from getting the health care I need to remain alive.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge that I will not accept medical treatment until such treatment is first approved by an insurance representative, even if I know that the representative is rewarded financially for denying valid services to me or my family. I will readily and eagerly accept the decisions of the thousands of current ‘death panels’ used by insurance companies so they can make even bigger profits off of those they victimize.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance and believes in tort reform, hereby pledges to never hold an insurance company liable or to seek justice in a court of law, even if their acts are criminal, deceptive or if their dishonest acts lead to the death of one of my family members.
I, ___________, a conservative who HAS health care insurance, do hereby pledge to not accept medical treatment even if I need life saving emergency treatment if those treatments are not first approved by an insurance bureaucrat. I refuse to admit that insurance companies are already using ‘death panels’ to kill people for profit.
FINALLY, as a CONSERVATIVE:
I, ___________, as a conservative who believes everyone should be independent and that no one ever falls on hard times in their lives, do hereby pledge that if I break any of the pledges above and receive any medical care for me or my family that I will agree to sell my house, use my retirement, sell my automobiles, cash in my children’s college funds and use all of my assets to pay every dime of what I owe, even if my family and I are left destitute and homeless. I further pledge to repay every dime I make working at a burger joint or as a greeter at Walmart to first repay my medical bills before buying food or housing for my family. I further pledge to pay any interest rate on any balances due, because I believe corporations and banks should be allowed to charge anything they want, even interest rates of 30, 40 and 50%, rates even the Mafia never charged. I believe in unbridled capitalism and that companies should be allowed to do whatever they want, for I consider capitalism to be my ‘god’ and CEOs its disciples. I hereby further pledge to praise CEO salaries and bonuses even though I know that for every dollar they make is a dollar that doesn’t go to help the sick or dying. And because I was against all minimum wage increases in the past 40 years I further pledge to accept only $1.45 an hour for working at McDonalds or as a Walmart greeter, since it was the minimum wage in February 1970.
I, ___________, as a conservative, hereby pledge to have my parents, or other loved ones, refuse all health care they are currently receiving from any government program, such as Medicare or Medicaid, and I further pledge to pay for all my parent’s health bills. And I will further pledge to have my parents move in with me and give them 24 hour care instead of using any government subsidized nursing care or hospice care services, since I know such services are evil since they are ’socialistic’ and therefore evil.
I, ___________, as a conservative do hereby pledge I will continue my condemnations of the poor in the Charles Dickens story, “A Christmas Carol”, because I know Bob Cratchit’s family were lazy deadbeats who could pay for their own health care and gotten help for their son, Tiny Tim, if they wanted to. I believe Tiny Tim should be prevented from getting health care and die, because he is poor.
I, _________, as a conservative believe in individual rights for CEOs and business owners like Ebenezer Scrooge, but not for individual rights to life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness for those who are poor, downtrodden or oppressed. Also, because I believe the poor in the Bible were deadbeats, I will continue to condemn Jesus because he was an evil socialist because he healed the sick for free, he fed the hungry for free and he lifted the spirits of the downtrodden for free. I also condemn the Good Samaritan for not charging to help that poor, beaten man who was left for dead on the side of a lonely road. I believe that the priest and the temple assistant who first found the beaten man and left him for dead without helping him did the right thing and that the Good Samaritan was an evil socialist, because not only did the Good Samaritan help the beaten man, he even gave him money so he could feed and cloth himself.
I, _________, as a conservative further condemn Jesus for always attacking the rich and praising the poor, because I know CEOs and the wealthy are the true sons of god because, after all, look at how much god has rewarded them. I believe those on Wall Street deserve to make as much money as possible by using schemes and scams, like the guy who made 3 billion in 2008 alone. As a conservative I believe it is right that a person who makes 3 billion behind a computer producing nothing for his fellow man or society. I believe that Wall Street should be paid 86,000 times more than hard working teachers, firefighters, police officers and nurses, all of whom actually contribute to society and help their fellow man.
I, _________, as a conservative who always trusts the government to start wars, trusts government to bomb people, trusts government to spy on people, trusts government to incarcerate people without charges, trusts government to torture people, trusts government to arrest people without warrants and trusts government to use secret wiretaps on people, do hereby pledge to continue to distrust government to help heal sick and dying Americans.
I fear government intrusion into my life, but I cheer on corporate intrusions on my privacy, my livelihood, and my life. I fear any government attempt to heal people, yet trust government to kill, maim, torture, arrest, incarcerate and execute people.
I, ________, as a conservative, make these pledges in the name of the ‘god of unbridled, unregulated capitalism’ and in the names of its disciples, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Amen and amen.
----k
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